The Abbey of New Clairvaux

So, I spent two nights at the Trappist monastery of New Clairvaux and here begins my reflection upon the experience.

First I have to admit I was a little nervous about going. Not only had I never been to a monastery before but I had never really spent that much time with Roman Catholics either. Though I new they would be hospitable I was still rather nervous. For myself I brought my Bible a note pad and clean cloths. Nothing else. I was determined to spend the whole time in prayer, meditation, and reading scripture.

The part of the monastery that is open to the public is the guest houses (including a small library and dinning room), the orchard, the wine tasting room, and the church building. The Monks rarely interacted with the guests at all unless they were asked to give spiritual direction or confession. For the most part they worked in the orchard or stayed in their cloister. The one time that the guests were sure to see the monks was when they gathered in the chapel 7 times a day for prayer, scripture reading, and singing of the psalms. We where still separated from them by a good distance.

I joined the monks in the chapel 5 times a day (The two times I didn't join them where for the 3:30am and 6am services). and each service lasted about 10-15 minutes with one or two being longer than the others. I did not join them in singing since I neither new the tune or the words but just sat and listened to them. For the most part I walked around the grounds and orchard (though it was in the 90s and even hit 100 while I was there) thinking and praying or I was in my room reading scripture, thinking, and praying. There were not very many people up at the monastery. The most guests I saw at one time was at meal time and that was 6 people. In order to keep my focus I did not strike up conversations with anyone though when they asked me something I would willingly respond and I did have a few good conversations while I was there.

Nearly the first passage I read in my time there was the letter in the book of Revelations to the Ephesians and it struck to my core. "remember the height from which you have fallen. Remember your first love." And then I read John 15 and the passage in which Jesus tells his followers to count the cost of following him. That we must give up everything to follow him. My thoughts, my prayers, centered on what I needed yet to give up what I needed to "prune" from my life. (my understanding of pruning is that you cut much of the new growth from the branches, what are called "suckers" because they suck out the ability of the tree to produce a bountiful harvest) What things in my life were not yet bound up body and soul to the service of the kingdom? I have a few answers to work on for now but the question that remains with me (no doubt helped along by the example of the monks) is, what does it mean for me, in this day, age, and place, to Deny myself. To take up my cross. And then to follow him. I have a feeling that its not a vow of poverty that God is looking for in me. At least not in the same way the monks vow. But rather, though I have money and material things, while I yet have them to count them payed and not my own. And whenever something becomes a "sucker"on my life to prune it. I know that this won't be easy. That its going to hurt. A lot. And that it can only be done through the grace and power of Jesus Christ. But also that this is the only path that leads to life. Further up and further in my friends!

The other thing that was on my mind was something most unmarried young men think about. Can you guess? I happen to believe that if God calls us to a profession, to a place, and to a people, he also calls us, who are to be married (and by that I mean those not called to celibacy), to a person. I have already asked for and received one quality about her that I know she will have. I asked only that God would now give me eyes to see and ears to hear. For those who I haven't told and who are curious what I mean by a quality, I wrote something to remind myself.

I turned upon my bed.
Heart heavy with care.
I called out to the Lord,
"How will I know her?
What shall be her quality?"
And swift came the answer.
"ME." said He.

That answer terrified me. How could I see that in someone? How could I possibly be worth of that? Who could have that quality? For those of you who might read this and wonder, I do not know myself what exactly it will look like. I only hope, and so I have prayed, that I will know it when I see it.

To be honest I'm glad I only had 48 hours at New Clairvaux. I can take only so much meditation before I cannot but be moved to put it into practice. And so I resume my search for her. Whomever she may be. And I begin to prune my life of these suckers.

To all my friends, I'll race you home!

So another week passes

This past week has been mostly uneventful. There was only a few things going on and no new thing which I could start due to my leaving on August 3rd. There had been one scheduled event which I would have been in charge of had it not been canceled due to a lack of interest. The other event, the farmers market, was a typical one and therefore one which I was already thoroughly prepared for. Even the one problem with that solved itself. I had been looking for someone to take over for me when I leave since the farmers market carries on till the end of August and I will be a number of hours travel away during that time. Vasa (short for Vasily) volunteered to take over. He is a guy just a little older than I am and passionate about Christ and his church. I think I leave it in good hands when I leave it in his.

I continue to talk with D every week. This week I must admit that my conversations with him are getting a little bit repetitive and therefore I became a little annoyed internally this time. He keeps asking we why people don't just live by what the Bible says, why God doesn't just keep his Christians safe, why things don't just... He believes in predestination so strongly that he doesn't think freewill exists. He therefore also questions God's justice. He wonders why God makes people endure pain and doesn't just take them home. He wonders why God lets corruption into the Church and into America. I try to explain that things are often far more complex than he makes them out to be. That God has a wonderful master plan for everything that will happen and for the good at that. I try to explain how God enters into suffering with us and never lets us go. I try, and I try, and I try. And I wonder if I'm not making this too much about what I'm doing. This was never about what I could do, how cleverly I could craft arguments, how elegantly I could phrase them, or how well I could comfort him. I know and have known that only God can change a heart. Why am I disappointed? I know it was never about me or what I do. So why do I get frustrated? Did I forget? for a moment? for a day?

Lord, may I not have impeded your work in him by actions concerned with self.

I must still try, but when it is about my actions I do not believe I am being faithful to God's vision of Kingdom.

Today I am leaving Lincoln and Granite Springs for a few days and going up to a monastery. I will try to be obedient to God's will there in a quiet way. I am grateful for the days off. I have not had much of a rest since I got out here right after exams. But I must remind myself that while I have these days off, they are not free days.

I am looking forward to seeing you all again. And I'm looking forward to going home for a while. (I haven't seen my parents and brothers since Christmas)

Further up and further in!

Music and Drama Camp

This last week was consumed by one event: Music and Drama Camp. From 9am - noon, Monday through Friday I was busy being a coach for the second and third graders. It didn't take the kids long to realize that I was very willing to play with them. And by play with them I mean spin them around, flip them over, toss them, and chase them. During this time my responsibilities were to teach the kids their lines and songs and make sure they generally had a good time doing it. I had about 13 kids in total and there were 45 that came to camp. If your wondering no I didn't try to do it all on my lonesome. Granite Springs isn't so cruel. There was another coach with me named Vasa and a few teen helpers. While it was fun it was also extraordinarily exhausting. I slept very well each night.



On Sunday we had our performance. The musical the kids had learned was one written by a precious worship leader and had a few of Jesus Parables re-written to sound like a modern day story and set to the theme Under Construction. My group got the parable of the wise and foolish builder. A number of the other coaches were worried about how things were going to turn out but for me, by that point, I new that either the kids new their lines and songs or they didn't and nothing I could do that morning would change a thing and so I didn't get anxious. It wouldn't have done a thing to get anxious. In the end the whole performance went off without many hitches. The hitches that did happen just make the kids look cute anyways. For instance some of the kids got really excited to sing their songs for the parents and sang REALLY loud.



Throughout the week I had been doing stories as Aesop. I related the stories of Icarus, Daniel and the Lions Den, Noah's Ark, and Theseus and the Minotaur. I didn't get to do Aesop's fables like I had hoped because we ran out of time. Oh well. My stories were probably the only time the entire week that the kids sat quite and still, besides the odd heckler yelling, "You're really Jon aren't you!" (which I didn't admit to them till after the performance on Sunday) I enjoyed telling the stories and I was happy that the kids enjoyed them too.

As I came to the end of the week I realized that I would only be here in Granite Springs for three more Sundays (now down to two) and I was a little sad. Just as I was finding my place at Granite Springs I have to leave. The realization that whats going on here is only temporary set in. Having found brothers and sisters in Christ and now having to leave with the possibility of never seeing them again is a bit sad. Not that I'm unhappy about going home and seeing my family. It's just a little sad. I shouldn't wonder if my dying days may feel like this; I'll miss those I leave behind while at the same time looking forward to our only true home.

So I'll end this post saying that while I'm a little sad to be leaving here so shortly. I'm looking forward more eagerly to going home to family and back to Calvin to friends.

Further up and further in!

His Kingdom Come

As I was writing this reflection I started to worry about people who might read it and say, "Whats wrong with me if I don't feel the way he does?" and on the chance that it might be the case I will say a few words before we begin. Every Christian goes through highs and lows in their spiritual life. Being at the bottom is not bad nor is it wrong. In fact I shouldn't wonder if it is the low points of our spiritual life that God shows us and gives us the strength to reach the heights we aspire to. So if you ever read anything at all that makes you feel like less of a Christian for feeling down. Stop. and remember that whoever wrote about the good times experienced hard ones and was no less of a saint for it.

This last week of avoiding distractions has brought into focus what I could best describe as God's lesson for me this summer. It came through the second line in the Lord's Prayer, "Your Kingdom come." As I thought about it and prayed about it a passion began to stir in me and I started writing down some of the thoughts that came to mind;

"It's not about fame, its not about fortune, its not about anything in this great wide planet. Its about truth, its about grace, its about love, its about justice.

It's about setting the captives free; free from anger, free from addiction, free from shame, free from earthly bonds of servitude, and free from sin.

Its about defending the defenseless; the orphans, the widows, the migrant workers, the ex-convicts, the illegal immigrants and those in insane asylums.

And its about providing for those in need.

Its not about me. Its about him. Whatever is done; I do, you do, we do, he does, she does, they do. Whatever is done, His Kingdom Come

And this is our Joy: The Love that Christ first showed us, we might share with others."

For the first time it felt like almost all of my being was focused toward a goal. For the first time I found the sort of work that I had previously found to be barley bearable to nearly become a joy. For the first time I was able to tell God that if it was his will I was willing to accept celibacy. I had never been able to do that before since I so cherished the thought of marriage and family. In truth I still do but the yearning for God's kingdom has reached such a pitch that I am no longer afraid to tell God that I'm ok with it if that's his plan for me. Truth be told I'll still be a little sad if it is the case.

The phrase "His Kingdom Come" now holds power in a way that it didn't before. With its new power all the old lines that divided denominations began to blur in front of my eyes, they don't really matter, and all hope for my own greatness began to fade, what am I after all. If I am to be remembered, let it only be so long as the memory of me promotes the Kingdom, and if I am forgot may he never be. Whatever work is done I take no credit. Who made me? Who trained me? Who brought me to his work? That is who deserves credit and not I.

His Kingdom Come!

As I write the end of this a thought crosses my mind and makes me chuckle. If that simple phrase opens up a whole new world for me, what is God's next lesson for me?

What follows from here is a summary of the events of the previous week. If they hold no interest for you, don't read further.

During the main body of the week there were not many going ons. Mainly the other staff was consumed with getting ready for Drama Music Camp (our version of VBS). The big events of my week were Saturday and Monday.

Saturday I went down to Bridge of Life Church to visit Rachel and see what Bridge of Life was about. We biked around the area of their ministry then went over to Old Sacramento. Old Sacramento is set up like it was during the gold rush days. By that I mean the outsides of the shops where the basic trim and style of the day but the shops themselves where modern. After that we went down to see the capitol building of California. It was almost a shock to see so many mature trees in the middle of the city after so long. There were all sorts of huge trees redwoods not least among them. The most interesting thing however was how separate spheres of society live so close together. Just a mile, or as Rachel explained, even a few blocks apart. After the grand tour we went to help out with an awards dinner for the kids involved in the Sports for Life Camp that Bridge of Life put on. I was struck by a statement from one of the leaders who said that the parents ought to encourage their kids to get good at sports since that was the only way to get them a better life. It struck me as wrong. Not false, but wrong that sports was the only way to college and a better life for so many people. Later as I was thinking about it the thought occurred to me, whether it was a good thing to encourage them to leave. Why not have them focus on fixing the place where they are? It certainly can't be that hopeless can it?

Monday was just plain busy. There was Music Drama Camp in the morning from 9-noon. I'm a coach for the 2nd and 3rd graders. That means I play games with them and help them learn their lines and songs with the help of another person. I was also asked to do a bit of story telling so I found an ENORMOUS black beard, a tunic, a staff, and a hat one of the pastors got from Turkey. I called myself Aesop (since I plan on telling some of Aesop's fables later on) and told them the story of Daedalus and Icarus.

Here's a picture of me in the middle of telling the story.

After Drama Music Camp I went and talked with D. Our conversation centered once again on his questions about why God blesses at some times and in some ways and not others. I plan on reflecting on that question and writing a response to him sometime this week. Our conversation once again took about 2 hours. And honestly I was a bit warn out already or I might have been able to provide him with better conversation.

At the end of the day was the Gathering Inn. The Gathering Inn helps a bunch of people who have no homes for whatever reason get food an shelter. They ask for churches to open up their doors and host these people for a night. They do screen the people. Daily drug tests along with a maximum stay time of 180 days in the program keep the people who just want a hand out further away and helps to make sure that people who are actually trying to move their life along get help. I went into more detail in a previous post so I won't get into all the details a second time.

That night we had tri-tip for them and we found a band to provide entertainment for a bit that night. Pastor Doug asked me to give the "words of hope" that night and I told them the story of the hymn "It is well with my soul" and we sang it. My favorite moment of the night was when there was a couple sitting on a bench reading through one of Paul's list of vices that won't get into heaven in a Today booklet. The husband (or so I took him to be) said to her, "where are you in there?" She pointed to a couple of the vices and said, "Forgive me Jesus." I was near by (they had called me over to ask me what some of the words meant) and I said, "And the good news is, he already has." She put her hand on my shoulder as she continued to look at the page and she smiled a little.

That pretty well wraps up my 7th week here.

Godspeed my friends.

His Kingdom Come!

June 30th – July 6th

I hate asking people to volunteer for things. Especially over the phone. I dislike calling people too. Its not that I dislike talking to people on the phone but I just stress out about it. So to anyone I don’t call, it’s not because I don’t like you. I was handed the project of putting together an entry for Granite Springs’ 4th of July Parade. And I needed people to come out and walk the parade route with us. I had faced this issue before when I was trying to find volunteers for the Farmers Market but then I kind of backed off and didn’t call too many people. After being a bit disappointed with myself over that performance, my understanding of asking for a person to volunteer changed. It isn’t up to me to get volunteers. Its God’s task that I’m helping with. He’ll bring the right volunteers. All I need to do is present it like an opportunity, an invitation to service. With that being said, though still with some nervousness, I was able to find some volunteers for the parade. We had about 8 people in total and it went well. I would have liked a few more volunteers but we had enough. That was the big stressor for the week. After that was done on Saturday morning I just coasted till Monday.

Later Saturday night I joined the Den Oudens (my host family) at a yearly gathering at their friend’s house. They barbequed dinner and then gathered in their cul-de-sac with their neighbors to shoot off fireworks. Joshua (a nephew of the family I think), a little boy of about 4, reminded me of what childlike wonder was like. Long ago I had lost my sense of amazement about fireworks. I had seen so many before. Since then I have begun to wonder whether I had lost out on a lot of beauty in the world by giving up on childlike wonder. Whether I might have seen God’s face again in a city skyline or a calm pool in the forest. So for that, thank you Joshua.

I talked with D again this Monday. This time our conversation lasted 3 hours. He does not think we have free will. He does not believe that genetics have anything to do with homosexuality. He does not understand why God has chosen to grant some of his prayer requests and not others, especially the request that God alleviate his pain. I ignored the issues of Homosexuality and free will. It was plain to see that no one could convince him otherwise about his beliefs. And about why God honors some of our requests and not others I did not have an answer. Even if I had it may have been unwise to give it. All I could give him was comfort. I reminded him of the hymn by Horatio Spafford It is Well with my Soul and the story behind the song. How God uses suffering to make us into something different something better. He responded asking whether it was worth it. Was the pain worth the prize at the end? He trusted God, he said, but he just didn’t understand. I reminded him that sometimes we just have to trust in God. That he knows better than we do how to bring us to himself. Often we won’t know why we are in a specific circumstance till years later or we may never know. But God has a plan for it.

During this week I have been reflecting over my life and struggling with myself. For the past while I have been ignoring answering God on one question he has posed to me. When am I going to give up distractions and focus on him? I didn’t want to give all of it up. Video games, TV, books, friends, anything and everything I could do to keep from looking him squarely in the face I used. Truth is, I am a little terrified of what I might find there. I know it will change me. And as much as I dislike some of what I am it’s far less frightening and far more comfortable to stay where I am. But I’ve been getting frustrated with myself for putting off this question for so long and have been feeling a little desperate as if I was continually on the downside of the usual spiritual rise and fall of the Christian life. So for the next while I will be getting ride of all the distractions I can. I’m leaving my computer at the office, I’m not going to turn on the TV, and I’ll keep books to a minimum. If all goes well prayer, scripture, and meditation (on future and present life) will be the center of the next few weeks beyond the church office. I do not expect to find all the “answers” by doing this. I do not expect this to solve all of my problems. I do hope that it will help or perhaps illuminate what I ought to do next. If it fails, if I fail, it’s only a few weeks wasted. If on the other hand it’s a step forward…

Godspeed, my brother and sisters in Christ.