June 30th – July 6th

I hate asking people to volunteer for things. Especially over the phone. I dislike calling people too. Its not that I dislike talking to people on the phone but I just stress out about it. So to anyone I don’t call, it’s not because I don’t like you. I was handed the project of putting together an entry for Granite Springs’ 4th of July Parade. And I needed people to come out and walk the parade route with us. I had faced this issue before when I was trying to find volunteers for the Farmers Market but then I kind of backed off and didn’t call too many people. After being a bit disappointed with myself over that performance, my understanding of asking for a person to volunteer changed. It isn’t up to me to get volunteers. Its God’s task that I’m helping with. He’ll bring the right volunteers. All I need to do is present it like an opportunity, an invitation to service. With that being said, though still with some nervousness, I was able to find some volunteers for the parade. We had about 8 people in total and it went well. I would have liked a few more volunteers but we had enough. That was the big stressor for the week. After that was done on Saturday morning I just coasted till Monday.

Later Saturday night I joined the Den Oudens (my host family) at a yearly gathering at their friend’s house. They barbequed dinner and then gathered in their cul-de-sac with their neighbors to shoot off fireworks. Joshua (a nephew of the family I think), a little boy of about 4, reminded me of what childlike wonder was like. Long ago I had lost my sense of amazement about fireworks. I had seen so many before. Since then I have begun to wonder whether I had lost out on a lot of beauty in the world by giving up on childlike wonder. Whether I might have seen God’s face again in a city skyline or a calm pool in the forest. So for that, thank you Joshua.

I talked with D again this Monday. This time our conversation lasted 3 hours. He does not think we have free will. He does not believe that genetics have anything to do with homosexuality. He does not understand why God has chosen to grant some of his prayer requests and not others, especially the request that God alleviate his pain. I ignored the issues of Homosexuality and free will. It was plain to see that no one could convince him otherwise about his beliefs. And about why God honors some of our requests and not others I did not have an answer. Even if I had it may have been unwise to give it. All I could give him was comfort. I reminded him of the hymn by Horatio Spafford It is Well with my Soul and the story behind the song. How God uses suffering to make us into something different something better. He responded asking whether it was worth it. Was the pain worth the prize at the end? He trusted God, he said, but he just didn’t understand. I reminded him that sometimes we just have to trust in God. That he knows better than we do how to bring us to himself. Often we won’t know why we are in a specific circumstance till years later or we may never know. But God has a plan for it.

During this week I have been reflecting over my life and struggling with myself. For the past while I have been ignoring answering God on one question he has posed to me. When am I going to give up distractions and focus on him? I didn’t want to give all of it up. Video games, TV, books, friends, anything and everything I could do to keep from looking him squarely in the face I used. Truth is, I am a little terrified of what I might find there. I know it will change me. And as much as I dislike some of what I am it’s far less frightening and far more comfortable to stay where I am. But I’ve been getting frustrated with myself for putting off this question for so long and have been feeling a little desperate as if I was continually on the downside of the usual spiritual rise and fall of the Christian life. So for the next while I will be getting ride of all the distractions I can. I’m leaving my computer at the office, I’m not going to turn on the TV, and I’ll keep books to a minimum. If all goes well prayer, scripture, and meditation (on future and present life) will be the center of the next few weeks beyond the church office. I do not expect to find all the “answers” by doing this. I do not expect this to solve all of my problems. I do hope that it will help or perhaps illuminate what I ought to do next. If it fails, if I fail, it’s only a few weeks wasted. If on the other hand it’s a step forward…

Godspeed, my brother and sisters in Christ.